Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm still here... just sort of different.

I have so much to say, I don't even know where to start. I can't even start at the beginning because I don't remember it. Appearantly chemo drugs will do that to you. Chemo drugs can really mess with your mind. I didn't anticipate that.

The last 48 hours have been... interesting. My mind has been exposed to all sorts of new ideas about life, and fighting off death (seven times), and perfect bodies, and world peace, and how to achieve the impossible. You probably just laughed and told your computer that I was crazy. Don't worry, my oncologist had the same reaction but was more polite and only discussed it quietly on the phone as he scheduled my consultation with the doctor at the inpatient psych ward.

I was smart enough not to say too much to the emergency room nurses, though. I know they deal with all sorts of people who see what I have seen and most of them are either strung out on who-knows-what or actually are crazy.

But rest asurred, I am not. I am still very much sane, happy and safe in my home with my loving husband and adorable children. I have all of these words just bursting inside me though, and this little blogspot just does not have enough 1s and 0s to fit my needs. So I have decided that.....

I am going to write a book.

Now every single one of you who know me in person must be terrified right now because that is not something I would do. I am far too practical, and far too logical, and far too mathmatically-minded (not to mention far too busy!) to spend countless hours typing in words. BUT!!! you do not know me while I am on mind altering medications, and it has been brought to my attention that THAT side of my brain has a lot to say.

So stay tuned, my friends, because my book is coming. It probably won't be soon though, because first I must sleep (which I have not done since Tuesday morning), and then I must spend time with my family because I have missed them so very much while I was sleeping last week. And then of course it will probably take a while to actually type the thing. I wonder how long that normally takes. I will need to ask some of my friends in the publishing world. <-- This is my first attempt at being funny in print, because of course nobody cool enough to be in the "publishing world" would be friends with a math nerd like me. OH! I actually do know someone, my son's Latin teacher just finished writing a book, I should ask her how long it takes. (OK, this is an inside joke for my local friends, our dear friend recently finished writing her book after ten years, sent it to an editor who thinks it is amazing, and we are all so excited and proud!)

If anyone who reads this blog happens to be in the publishing world and wants to offer me free advice, it's really not necessary. This isn't going to be one of those REAL books that people buy in stores and talk about at work. It probably won't even be one of those books my high school friends will buy out of pity so they can own "That cute little book Colleen wrote when she was messed up on all those chemo meds, Bless her heart." It is going to be a book about me, what I think about things, and what I think about when I have 216 consecutive hours of deep thought. And you never know, I might just have the answers to all of those problems keeping you awake at night.

P.S. Honestly, you do not need to worry about me. Over the past 2 days they have given me a wide range of tests that have shown no signs of infection, my white blood cell counts have rebounded nicely, I am off of all meds, and they are adjusting my nausea and pain meds for the next round of chemo scheduled 9/20 (since I had NO pain or nausea at all the first round). I am in a very good place physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now, and for a breast cancer patient that is pretty great. XOXOXO


  1. For starters, I'd totally be one of those "high school friends" who would buy the book... but definitely not out of pity! Because for one thing, you already are so amazing and have life figured out pretty well, so if you have any further insights, I'd totally want to know. And for another thing, I'd be so excited that one of my old high school friends had published a book... and I'd brag to everyone about it!

    It is very uplifting to read your posts, and I can honestly say that I have made a few changes for the better over the past few days (since I just heard your news... I was way behind the times). Thank you! I'm thinking about you and praying for you and sending love from AZ! Keep fighting!

  2. Hey Colleen. Long time no "speak". I only just caught up with your happenings and just wanted to say "hi" and wish you the very best of luck with your treatment. I'm so happy to see your results are looking good. Hope your sleep patterns level out soon. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of healing vibes your way.

    Good luck with the book.

    P.S. Your boys are so big!!! and all absolutely bloomin' gorgeous! You must be so proud of your little guys.

  3. Yeah for Collen, ONE down!!! Sorry it was so traumatic. Big learning curve on this, but you got a gold star. Love you, Shelly

  4. Sign me up for that book but I also think you should consider trying to publish a book of your diary as a cancer survivor!

  5. Sending you prayers and loving thoughts. Keep on fighting and writing, they are wonderful models for your sons.

    Alicia in New Zealand